Weekly Update 4/1/13 The Pesky Bat

A golfing friend of mine named Kelsey has been asking me to write about an altercation he and his wife had with a wild animal last summer. The problem is that if I publish it, PETA would end up picketing both of our houses.

Kelsey is a brawny ex-marine married to an attractive, fiery Italian girl named Arrabiata. (What she sees in him, I’ll never know.) Kelsey is fortunate that his gregarious personality and self proclaimed “good looks” trump his fashion sense because, according to Arrabiata, she almost stopped dating Kelsey early in the relationship after he, “dressed like a nerd on one date and a dweeb on the next one.”

Anyway, Kelsey was playing golf one morning when he received a frantic call from Arrabiata.

“There’s a rabid bat screeching and walking around our deck!!! I can’t even let the kids out of the house!”

The gallant Kelsey calmly responded as many other men would have in his situation: “I’m golfing. I’ll be home after the round.”

After a few choice expressions that I cannot repeat here, Arrabiata hung up on her dweeby ex-marine husband and decided to take matters into her own hands. While her kids played a board game, Arrabiata selected her weapon of choice: a 12-gallon spaghetti pot. She quickly filled it with boiling water, unlocked the back door, and hurled its contents at the rabid rodent.

Apparently, this just ticked the bat off even more, and it continued to menace the family.

Meanwhile, Kelsey, apparently unfazed by the phone call, finished his round (shooting a respectable 87), apologized to the guys for leaving early, and drove home to take care of the screeching old bat. Upon arrival, he went into his garage, picked up a shovel, and did what marines are trained to do. To give the new “Batman” credit, after putting the animal out of its misery, he did ceremoniously bury it and wash the remnants off of his deck.

Killing the bat was one thing; generating the courage to face an enraged Arrabiata was an entirely different matter.

So after placating my friend by recounting this tale, how do I segway into investing? Advise to buy Petco? Or the parent companies of Barilla or Prince spaghetti?

How about considering Time Warner (TWX)? The owner of DC Comics, which houses the very popular Batman franchise, will be releasing the much-anticipated Man of Steel this summer. Perhaps worth a small play?

On the more serious side, let’s examine the first quarter results of our three portfolios:

Portfolio Asset Q1 Risk 2013

Allocation Return Target

· Conservative Portfolio #1 50/40/10 5.79% Low 6.0%

· Conservative Portfolio #2 55/40/5 6.03% Low 6.5%

· Marea’s Managed Portfolio 70/20/10 6.50% Moderate 8.0%

The Dow (up 11.25%) had its best one-quarter performance in 15 years, and the S&P (up 10.03%) surpassed highs last seen back in 2007. During this surge, I have been selectively taking profits while slowly increasing exposure to equities. On the fixed income side, I remain overweight in short-term bond funds.

The market may have hit new highs, and there may very well be a pullback, but I believe equities will continue to increase further into 2013.

Have a productive week.

This non-publishable Update was written by Chris Leone and Ron Mastrogiovanni.

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